So I've come to the conclusion that I push everyone away. Emphasis on the EVERYONE. Why? I'm not quite sure. I have issues with trust and commitment, I'm afraid of being hurt or wasting my time. I could probably think of more reasons. I'm the same way with people touching me. I shy away from it - am extremely jumpy.

       John Donne said, "No man is an island entire of itself." The more I go on with my current state of being, the more I believe that I can be an island. My pushing people away has gotten to the point that people have just stopped trying.

       I'm not the type of person to tell someone what's really going on with me. I think that goes with, "well if I say it, it's actually real," and I'm not ready to admit that I have problems, especially not to my friends. What no one knows is that I've been cutting myself lately. I think it definitely contributed to me stopping rowing - I couldn't address both cutting and crew at the same time, except now I still haven't done either. I never told my teammates why I stopped rowing. I just stopped. I can't admit to them or anyone else who I have any sort of relationship with, that I've been cutting myself. I don't want to face the look that they'll give me, I can't face the shame. So I continue to say that everything is "fine."

      Last night I found out that I was taken off of something on the crew website. I felt so erased - that my year and a half time on the team was a waste. It was a blow to me and I can't even really formulate what was going through my head as I sat in front of my computer playing solitaire for 3 hours fighting back tears that came flooding down every time I blinked.

I don't know