Changes

So a lot has changed with me in the past month.

I turned 19.
I stopped rowing.
I stopped doing anything actually.
I became a pathetic mess.
I turned to cutting myself to deal with my problems.
I chopped 10 in. off my hair to donate to Locks of Love.

And now
I've come to conclusion to change away from all this negativeness.
I've always had a terrible self image. I actually hid behind my long hair - chopping it off has really helped that. I'm now forced to make people see me (or at least my face) because of it. I actually think it might have been one of the best things I could have done for myself.
I've decided that I WILL become a better person. I will be CONFIDENT. I know this won't be overnight and I will definitely fail and have setbacks. But the important part is that I WILL pick myself up and carry on. And I think this blog will help me do this.
I finally starting to be in a better place :)

And starting with these changes - I want  "will" run a half marathon this Fall!
I know this won't be easy and believe me when I say I am scared. I am scared I will fall off this momentum and never get back up. Part of running the half marathon, I want to lose weight. And I am really worried that I won't see results and I will just quit.

But that just won't happen. Note to Self - "The past is in the past for a reason. So that's why you should make the future you want on your own."

Bis nächste Mal!
-Sam

       So I've come to the conclusion that I push everyone away. Emphasis on the EVERYONE. Why? I'm not quite sure. I have issues with trust and commitment, I'm afraid of being hurt or wasting my time. I could probably think of more reasons. I'm the same way with people touching me. I shy away from it - am extremely jumpy.

       John Donne said, "No man is an island entire of itself." The more I go on with my current state of being, the more I believe that I can be an island. My pushing people away has gotten to the point that people have just stopped trying.

       I'm not the type of person to tell someone what's really going on with me. I think that goes with, "well if I say it, it's actually real," and I'm not ready to admit that I have problems, especially not to my friends. What no one knows is that I've been cutting myself lately. I think it definitely contributed to me stopping rowing - I couldn't address both cutting and crew at the same time, except now I still haven't done either. I never told my teammates why I stopped rowing. I just stopped. I can't admit to them or anyone else who I have any sort of relationship with, that I've been cutting myself. I don't want to face the look that they'll give me, I can't face the shame. So I continue to say that everything is "fine."

      Last night I found out that I was taken off of something on the crew website. I felt so erased - that my year and a half time on the team was a waste. It was a blow to me and I can't even really formulate what was going through my head as I sat in front of my computer playing solitaire for 3 hours fighting back tears that came flooding down every time I blinked.

I don't know

Rowing

So this past summer, I went to Dresden, Germany for a 2 month study abroad. It was by far the BEST experience of my life. Throughout the experience had a lot of time to think by myself and find ME. Now that I have been back in the states for a while, I find myself slowly continuing to fall and each time I do, I  lose a little bit of me. Look at the picture below. 

I took this in the Reichstag. It's in Berlin, and is like Germany's Congress building (at least that's how I would compare it.) To continue though, this is a thing of "art" within the Reichstag and it consists of 4 racing shells (8 person boats for rowing). You can't tell from the picture, but they are all bright colors like red, blue and yellow. The minute I saw this I couldn't keep my gasp in. I was ecstatic - to see rowing in a government building took my breath away. And my first thought was, "Where are the oars so we can take one of these babies out?!?" I missed rowing over that two month span. I would longingly look at the Elbe in Dresden, wishing I could take a shell out on it and feel that feeling of flying. I used to look at any source of water with that passion - longingly wanting to be in a boat rowing in complete unison with the 7 other rowers. Rowing was my LIFE. Just the mention of rowing and I would continue on for a minimum of 20 minutes telling you everything you couldn't possible want to know.

And then the next day, I went to the German Technology Museum in Berlin and came across the boats above. I was again ecstatic. 

But the story comes back to the present. I stopped rowing 2 weeks ago. I can't actually believe it's been that long. Everyday I think about it and the teammates I left. I thought of my time in Berlin and the excitement I had. When I saw the boats in the Reichstag, my friend David couldn't stop laughing at me, or the face I made from my astonishment. I guess I just want to say that I don't look at rowing the same anymore and that makes me sad. I can't even see to the day when I will. But I want to find that again - the pure joy I had with rowing - I would light up just by mentioning it. I want that back. I want to be excited again. I just don't know when that day will come. 

Anyways this is my first blog entry. I'm writing this in the hopes that it helps me find myself again. Lately, I've just felt really lost, and maybe by writing things down, I can figure things out again.